Its easy to go nuts; its harder to stay sane.

This pain that is in me. It consumes me, is me, and I hate it. To be the most loved child is a blessing and a curse. I know it sounds bratty but I can't help feeling sad whenever mum or my brothers make a passing remark about how my dad always buys me whatever I want with no questions while they get a lesser treatment of sorts. Its a passing remark but it hurts. Things hurt more when it's coming from people you love. I doubt there is such a thing as unconditional love. Close, but not in its entirety.

But because of this treatment of sorts. I want to make myself worthy of this special treatment they always consciously accuse me of. But I love them still. I find no desire to seek acknowledgement from anyone, not even my family, however I want to become someone whom I can love. Don't get me wrong, I love myself right now, but its nice when other people like you too. Its too lonely for me to be contented by myself. Universal truth; isolated people go nuts. Not saying you need to be surrounded by lots of people, but just enough so you don't go crazy.

Its easy to go nuts; its hard to stay sane.

All those little reasons here and there that tie you up, make you see only a straight path. The easiest most effective route through life. There is no adventure left. The mind is dulled. And children grow up clones of the 'perfect system'. How we survive in this new world is going against how we were meant to live. Sooner or later our intelligence will be our downfall. I just hope my generation is not the one that sees it come to pass. Then again nothing that truly means anything happens when or how its expected to. Like a ballerina dancing in circles. Nothing changes till she steps out of the routine, or the floor cracks and takes her to another world, another floor. Que sera sera, what will be will be.

Ah~ my mind wonders to different landscapes and I guess i'll try to put it on paper. I've been a little stiff in drawing lately. But watching dance videos again has kind of inspired me a little. The future holds so much potential. Marching ahead I guess. Marching and staying sane.

Marching onwards, we shall

After a long time in hibernation... Jenrazer is back yo~

Apparantly post graduate poly students have a tendency to go a little crazy either stuck in limbo or stuck in boredom waiting for something amazing to to distract them till they pursue Uni or whatever it is they have planned.

And also this is seems to be the season of raging hormones.

In all seriousness.

 And I can kind of understand that insecurity that comes with being single for close to 2 decades. I mean come on. How can you blame yourself for the longing for something that hasn't happened yet when your whole life didn't have that experience, or a miserable version of it. True love sounds cheesy but thats the dream. Thanks america, that helped. BURN. I thank my lucky stars I was born asian. The time of asians has finally come again. And with that comes the morals that govern said racial preference. Filial piety, though it may be a hindrance, has sculptured me to be what I am, and not to brag, but I love myself. It kinda helped me from making the worse love decisions in my life. I haven't accomplished any amazing feat or earned lots of money (yet), but I think i've achieved contentment at the very least.

Only lucky people get the luxury of being lazy and think about their troubles tomorrow, after a good night's sleep.


Ah...~ the complexities of youth~

Well a number of things have happened since the holidays started and can't say my life has been a dandy float down the lazy river. More like adrenaline pumping and FUCK NO kind of moments, plastered all over the last month. I'm so thankful for having S.V and Triplets and swimming to make it simpler to get through it all. I really appreciate my friends, even though I may seem like the spaced-out person at the side of the room. The few that have stayed in my life I am grateful for 'cause I know how easy it is to loose it all as it fades away. But you have to change to move forward. I prefer to do that with all the people I love.


Its getting sappy I know~
Ah...~ the complexities of an emerging adult~

So many things I wanna say but it jumbles up in my head and my heart. The last 3 years seem like a dream. A bad and good dream all mixed into one. I have never used the phrase 'you are dead to me' and really mean it before, and now I have. and I meant it. FOREVER. I remember facts. FOREVER. Maybe that will change in the far. far. future. I won't judge, cause I know some people are the way they are just because. I'll just stay far far away thanks. BUT NEVER FUCK WITH ME AGAIN.

Sorry~ borderline psychosis that comes with unpleasant experiences~

Gonna be 3 months long worth of a post.


Oh yes, some dilemmas these past month. I have been wondering if what i'm studying is really what I want to do for the rest of my life. I like drawing. I get inspired by art videos and looking up design works. But I haven't had that 'eureka' feeling in a very long time. But then again I can;t see my life where art is not a part of. I read online where someone said "if you feel like you are forcing yourself to do homework, I don't think you were meant to do this for life" not actual words but damn if it rings true. My heart just isn't in it. I kind of know in my heart that art/design, is my path. But the specific thing i'm meant to do, I can't see it yet. I hope it isn't one of those, take your whole life to figure it out kind of situations, cause that would suck. But maybe thats my path. And I can't afford that path. Parents getting old, siblings not anywhere either. Its kind of unofficial, but i'm gonna have to look after my parents. I want to, but its a burden nonetheless. But I don't want to make them feel like its a burden to me either. My family is so fragile. Its making me think again about living so far from them all when I attend uni. So many scenarios that could happen. But M said it may be a good thing that i'll be away from them all for a while. Those ropes that bind, gotta find a way to make them elastic. Then theres the fear that they will break. If my most important person breaks because I left, it would most definitely break me too. This here. This is my biggest chain. One I can't live without.

You love em and I hate em.

And this whole conversation with M has gotten me thinking more about the get away part. So many trips AWAY in the process. I'd be genuinely disappointed if it were one of those trips that never happens. Then again I have to move my ass and start taking initiative with the planning and stuff and so I will. I want to start uni with a fresh new perspective and take hold of my future.

One more complaint. I don't know what it is with my extended family on the side that dislike, but they are making a fucking big deal about my getting accepted into uni. Like a really big hoo haa of showing off offsprings' accomplishments. I dislike being treated like a trophy and even more so by a family member whom I shall not name. Lots of realisations about my family these days, or this whole year so far. I know my expectations of people are high and so I get disappointed a lot. But the level of expectations still remain high, higher even as time goes by. People are only worth your time if they matter to you right?


And theres clubbing. Went out on a much needed distraction from family problems one night, with LY and S. It was so much fun at this club called dream. Awesome thing that happened when we queued up but got in for free to the vibe party. Great music, free booze, busting out the moves on the dance floor. It was great to be doing something wild again from the distasteful and mundane. And that would be the last time I ever. EVER. wear heels to club ever again. Good thing I have long enough legs~ Clubbing isn't bothering me yet so I guess i'm still young eh~ that or immature? Who knows~

Well here it shall end. Till the next instalment! Only from Jenrazer~


Big shout out to the great and awesome people in my life, and those I have yet to meet

An epiphany again

So this is me back in my sad sad world of romance, where most of the men in my life are losers and those who approach me are even more so. not not mention creepy and disgusting. Not saying I'm a babe of dreams but really? Where are the decent guys in the world? At most there was one really ideal guy but he's taken sigh~ but it's understandable, that kind of fish doesn't stay in the water for long. Even so I don't think I'd ever find the courage to chase after him openly. He's too perfect it's a little scary, wonder what kind of boyfriend he'd make though. Probably a player, I fall for those kinds like an idiot. Sigh~ I really give my heart away too easily~ gots to remember what my mama taught me; all men only think with their stomach or their penis. Universal truth~

I guess I'm gonna have to get comfy on this rack for a while more~


Oh hell no!! I've got way too many things to do then to dwell on stupid idiotic thoughts! Need to remember I got to get a job to bring back the bacon; take care of my folks, my brothers can do whatever they want. get my dream house, then, and only then, think about the stupid idiotic stuff. After which is followed by mid life crisis, traveling the world to find inner peace and all that crap. Who knows~ life's fun that way huh~ my nature is too frivolous in general. I attract bugs and trouble~ I guess that means my life won't be boring either~

Looking forward to kickboxing all that frustration through the power of my fists LOLOLOL!!

BOYS ARE SO HORNY

Probably wondering and sniggering at this post title. Well this all started a few hours ago when a camp senior of mine, FOW I think, asked me if I he knew me on fb. I had no idea who the hell he was, no recollection of his face or name. A question here a haha there and there was a conversation rolling before we knew it. Moving on~ As we chatted, he started talking about sex. Subtly at first and then he announced he 'did it' recently, like it was some amazing accomplishment.

Boy ah, mia not impressed, si. And 40% of the rest of the conversation was me trying to steer the topic of conversation away from his sex expedition. Cause I didn't mind talking to a kind of complete stranger. The conversation was funny in a way, because my rusty brain started to regain some wit to tackle said problem. Not to brag, but i think i did a pretty good job and diverting his weak advances*. (pardon the excessive use of **) But I think he realised it at some point and bade farewell to beddy-bye-land. Lol.

And this got me thinking of the only other boy who did the exact same thing 3 years ago. Wtf, this whole year or the last year, he* keeps popping up. Anyway, he* also said he did it* before, when he was advancing* on me. (which I had no idea he was doing by the way). So is this a guy thing? This big announcement that is supposed to tell a girl how manly he is?  Like "yeah baby, you in good hands here". Hahahahahaha!  Its funny but i'm genuinely curious if that's what guys think.

That senior was such a poor thing. His horniness kept slipping in-between sentences like he was in pain or something lol! Raging hormones huh~ a side effect of extended NS in the company of guys lol.

I guess that was what the tarot cards prediction of a guy person from my past approaching me zzz...
Ah well, tonight was more interesting than i thought~ such a funny turn of events

Some great artist

Lora Zombie made another really anticipated video again and I absolutely love it! The twist in the end was really clever too! Watching her really makes me want to pick up a brush and just paint hahaz. Her videos are so well make and the music choice is so good too. Found the music for this video.

Couldn't find the original mv but ah well, still enjoyed the song^^

if you can't understand the simplest things in life, don't go busting your head about the complicated stuff.

Floating in the In-between

The new year has scarcely begun and so many changes are already in process. Another school experience will be completed soon even though it is still in the middle of FYP. After poly, plans to further my studies in the U is already in my head, i'm excited but have to keep reminding myself to get through poly first. You don't finish one thing, it don't matter if you plan a rocket party after. Its a little saddening but change will always be a constant. People who live in the past will never go on to the future, scarcely live in the present. So I  keep reminding myself to bravely let go of the many things that upset me and keep my heart open to the many wonderful experiences have yet to happen to me. Life shall not be wasted clinging on to sad angry things :)

And so everyday I shall travel from the in-between, on towards the brighter future

And now a big beautiful picture of a sunrise

Ps: cheesy shit but sometimes it is good thing, the simplest things oft mean the most to people

REGRETS&FORGIVENESS

Spectrum 19 arrived and it has been the biggest disappointment of my whole online shopping experience. 90% of the illustrations inside were those I did not like, and 50% were that if half naked females, and 100% of the layouts were horrifying enough that even a layout/typography-dummy-like-me was dumbstruck. I confidently infer 90% of the people who edited the book were males. fucking horny males. I was really upset when I first flipped through its pages and progressively my soul left my body... Because i finally accepted that I wasted $45 on a book I didn't ever want to look at again. And I can't even return it because the shipping to Australia is $36... Sooooo I really want to sell it away but my mum told me to keep it. Why? So i don't ever make the same mistake like that again and I will look at the book everyday to remind me of that lol. Love my mum. The glass is always half full with her around.

Anyway 4 days after that horrible incident after which I stuffed spectrum 19 back into its box and never opened it again, I bought another book. Just 3 hours ago. But this time i looked at the inside of the book and fucking loved every page! Exactly the way it should be when you buy a fucking expensive book. It's a collection of artworks by one of my favorite illustrators, yuko shimizu!! It was sold for exactly the same price as spectrum 19 and that still makes me cringe at how the value of a book is subjective to a reader, because to me, spectrum 19 ain't worth shit. Not to say it is worth shit to everybody. Just me.

Anyhow I love love love this book that I just bought, have been waiting for the price to go down though from about a year ago when I first saw it. In the end, student discount was given PLUS! An extra 5% from this uncle who gave it to me as a special price with a cheeky grin that grossed me out but oh well, if it saves money? TAKE IT. So yay! I got the book for $36! It's still expensive but I love and respect the artist enough to agree this price and suppress a shiver when i got that grin, cause the quality artwork was worth it. And so I have thus forgiven myself for ever purchasing spectrum 19, and in general, purchasing a book that I had never seen the insides of.

A couple of pictures of the book are below! Yuko shimizu fan forever!

kaching kaching

In times of heightened stress levels, I love to distract myself with impulsively spending money. Yea yea yea first world girl i don't care, spending money makes me feel happier even if its not particularly healthy. Anyway some of the things i bought that have been unsavory are these 2 shorts from ASOS. sigh~ seriously am dissppointed with them. One of them was designed for people with no ass, such that when i wore it there was a huge gap in the back, because i have a pretty decent butt thank you very much. Its a terrible design and can't match with any shirt that i have... Oh but the worse is yet to come.

The other shorts was way waaaaaaaay worse. The bottom part of the shorts thats supposed to cover a girl's vjj was like 4 cm wide tops and hanging low. LIKE WTF?? you would be flashing your undies when you crossed you leg or bend over a little. ITs terrible terrible, can't fix it with a belt like the other one. I shall stick to skirts and tops when shopping online, period.

But there was one book I bought online that i am anticipating like crazy!!

Spectrum 19, the best in contemporary art! I fell in love with book 17 that i found in the local library and just decided one day i HAD to own one and saw this updated version. I'm a bit scared the inside may not be what i expected like in book 17 but i didn;t want o get book 17 because i could easily borrow it from the library sooooo....book 19 it was. Hope its not disappointing! IT will arrive around 23rd jan to 5 feb~ can't wait can't wait!

So far i own 6 illstration books, 3 of which i can not live without (my babies) and they are

the Garden of Eye Candy

OFFPISTE (only $10!! omg this was the best steal eva!)

Society of Illustrators 51

I bought 2 of them at onepage and the middle at Basheer. Hope to add Spectrum 19 to my wonderful collection! If you are an illustrator you HAVE to check out book 17 for sure, it is really inspirational and can give you that spark if you have an art block or whatnot, I can confirm at least 70%. 

Well I should get back to work so have a great day/night and ciao~

PS: and i bought Spectrum 19 in hardback at the price of a paperback edition!! yesssss i was meant to shop for that book on that very night and shall have no regrets!

THIS. HEAVY. BURDEN.

Its suddenly occurred to me that i haven't taken poly seriously enough as i would have liked to at the beginning. I've forgotten the reason why i even came to poly in the first place... My dad is going to retire in a few years and my future is not looking very bright as time goes along. The adult world is so hard and i'm scared i won't be strong enough to support my parents when the time comes. I want to support them and give them a good life as they have done for me, in their own way. My goal was to start working straight away after poly to get a stable job, earn money and all that cause i know my brothers are more or less not going help out, whether they don't care or are unable to. But now that poly is coming to an end, everything seems to be happening so fast, and im constantly getting blindsided by University further education and all that. I've become lazy and throughout poly and even now. My drive was always to be able to support my parents but my dreams make me forget reality for a time, and i think that form of stasis is whats keeping me from accomplishing simple goals like getting past FYP.

Growing up is shit scary. I keep complaining why i have to be the one worrying about this alone, being NOT the eldest child, but i hate that i think that way because that is not the kind of person i want to be. All this idealistic crap is racking my brain all the more now. It could be stress and it could just be me.

Filial piety is scary shit.