Monday, July 18, 2011
Gosh i'm so unmotivated, yet motivated ... zzz... what should i do...? I cant kick this depression lately and movies aren't doing the trick either. Worrying too much about everything. I need to focus on one thing at a time i guess. This elevating stress is annoying. Thinking Storytelling was gonna be easy was way insane (slap to my brain)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
WAN WAN WAN WAN
I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP.
After starting prepress and going to Antalis I know what it is I want to become, I feel it in my bones. Okay maybe not in my bones but in my heart. Anyway now I know the name of the job I want to strive for. I wanna be a printer!! And no, not a machine, but a full fledged err... yea, you get the idea.
Just a short blog spewing my happiness so
Ciao!
After starting prepress and going to Antalis I know what it is I want to become, I feel it in my bones. Okay maybe not in my bones but in my heart. Anyway now I know the name of the job I want to strive for. I wanna be a printer!! And no, not a machine, but a full fledged err... yea, you get the idea.
Just a short blog spewing my happiness so
Ciao!
Monday, July 11, 2011
what am I
What am I. Who am I really. What I want to be and who I really am scares me.
She says I am strong but brutal. Strong huh. Some say I am absent minded but is it just a subconscious excuse to run away from responsibility. The inner coward I am? I want to be strong but somehow I think I have been nursing a misguided concept of the word all my life. I cannot show my weakness, I cannot cry in front of others. It is taboo in my life. I just cannot. I am afraid of showing people the ugly and weak person I truly am, hidden under all this feminist facade... Somehow, I think people dislike me for this independence.
But people have secrets they want nobody to know. Secrets that nobody needs to know. Was my choice of coming to poly really just to follow my dreams or to run away from the pressure at home. In my heart I know, the burden of my aging parents will be on me alone. A good paying job and social stature was all that was one my mind for about a half decade. I fear this has poisoned my soul and done irrevocable damage to my empty morals. I want to run away. Even though I know I will not abandon my loved ones for the sake of duty, I want to run away. Is this growing up? Is this maturity? Is looking out the window at the ground a normal thing or is it a sign of unhappiness.
I know myself. I hate to lose. I don't want to lose this game of life and death, I have the will to keep walking this dark and painful road. Death does not scare me, what truly scares me is not knowing what I will become. After watching Hannibal rising it hits a nerve. The movie awakens a knowledge of what may come to be. A decision of my life. Two paths pointing different directions yet parallel to what is to become. I am frightened of this choice. I know I will chose, but chose the right path I am unsure. Will I even know which is the right path. I don't want to lose anyone.
Everyday I live in fear. When is the day. Even though I know when it is. I know when I will make the choice which I will live out the rest of my life in. Will this be the last? Everything seems like a fairytale waiting to burst and show how cruel, how ugly the world truly is. More and more signs pass like the slightest of breezes and yet at the same time it is in your face. It whispers what is to come and erodes your soul little by little like rain on my walls. I am afraid. I wish every year on that special day, after my world started to crumble, for the inevitable not to happen. I wish it fervently so. God help me I don't want that day to come ever. I hate living my life in fear. Someone help me. I need a pillar of strength in my life. Someone understand me please. Someone help me. The one person I cannot live without will leave me someday and I cannot bear it. I know my soul will tear. Who will that someone be that will help my weak self.
All i can do now is wait and live my life as happily as possible with no regrets. I will not regret my decision. This I know in my heart as true as it is beating. And yeah I know I sound just like one of those uber depressed people but its a phase people a phase. I'll get over it as I always do so don't worry ho ho ho. Scared yawl there huh hahaz.
Recently I have found to be in a better mood after I eat fruits. Maybe its just me but persimmons really perk my mood up. try it^^ Alright better start on my homework~
Ciao~
She says I am strong but brutal. Strong huh. Some say I am absent minded but is it just a subconscious excuse to run away from responsibility. The inner coward I am? I want to be strong but somehow I think I have been nursing a misguided concept of the word all my life. I cannot show my weakness, I cannot cry in front of others. It is taboo in my life. I just cannot. I am afraid of showing people the ugly and weak person I truly am, hidden under all this feminist facade... Somehow, I think people dislike me for this independence.
But people have secrets they want nobody to know. Secrets that nobody needs to know. Was my choice of coming to poly really just to follow my dreams or to run away from the pressure at home. In my heart I know, the burden of my aging parents will be on me alone. A good paying job and social stature was all that was one my mind for about a half decade. I fear this has poisoned my soul and done irrevocable damage to my empty morals. I want to run away. Even though I know I will not abandon my loved ones for the sake of duty, I want to run away. Is this growing up? Is this maturity? Is looking out the window at the ground a normal thing or is it a sign of unhappiness.
I know myself. I hate to lose. I don't want to lose this game of life and death, I have the will to keep walking this dark and painful road. Death does not scare me, what truly scares me is not knowing what I will become. After watching Hannibal rising it hits a nerve. The movie awakens a knowledge of what may come to be. A decision of my life. Two paths pointing different directions yet parallel to what is to become. I am frightened of this choice. I know I will chose, but chose the right path I am unsure. Will I even know which is the right path. I don't want to lose anyone.
Everyday I live in fear. When is the day. Even though I know when it is. I know when I will make the choice which I will live out the rest of my life in. Will this be the last? Everything seems like a fairytale waiting to burst and show how cruel, how ugly the world truly is. More and more signs pass like the slightest of breezes and yet at the same time it is in your face. It whispers what is to come and erodes your soul little by little like rain on my walls. I am afraid. I wish every year on that special day, after my world started to crumble, for the inevitable not to happen. I wish it fervently so. God help me I don't want that day to come ever. I hate living my life in fear. Someone help me. I need a pillar of strength in my life. Someone understand me please. Someone help me. The one person I cannot live without will leave me someday and I cannot bear it. I know my soul will tear. Who will that someone be that will help my weak self.
All i can do now is wait and live my life as happily as possible with no regrets. I will not regret my decision. This I know in my heart as true as it is beating. And yeah I know I sound just like one of those uber depressed people but its a phase people a phase. I'll get over it as I always do so don't worry ho ho ho. Scared yawl there huh hahaz.
Recently I have found to be in a better mood after I eat fruits. Maybe its just me but persimmons really perk my mood up. try it^^ Alright better start on my homework~
Ciao~
Monday, May 30, 2011
Why does he always remind me the reason i hate him after making up after a long mental battles. I guess assholes cant change their spots even if, no I don't even think he wants to. The bastard. I hope he gets a girl that gets him to shut up at least once in a while. or better yet, control that rude tongue of his. Words coming out of that mouth are so filled with sarcasm even his occasional days of sunshine cant make up for all of his bullshit. !8 years of my life with him and I can list all of his plus points. Hard-headedness, hard-headedness, hard-headedness, and occasionally bullshit. I should laugh at this combination if i want to live longer and not waste my time dissing him in my under-used brain. So in short, SCREW YOU.
Sigh. At least one brother is getting his act together. Cant be more proud of him than right now. Its really beautiful to see a guy mature his thinking. I hope this pays off though. If this should not turn out fruitful, I fear he will give up completely. If willing him to pass existed I would do it everyday till his exams are over. Wonder how I can encourage him. Also, I fear my relaxing relationship with my other brother is making him sad. And it still stands, I adore my younger brother to the other. Bias, I know, but how can I help it? We're more like twins than anything. AND I prefer his temperament to the other dighead.
Lately though, little things irritate me and I get hyper. TOO MUCH SUGAR! I want ta work at unique oh the sadness. I guess I have absolutely no luck for jobs in Singapore, some fortune telling of my fate on this island. You know, this is the first time I really want to work so bad, and of course this has something (albeit maybe a little bit) to do with my recent splurging... like a few hundred behind in my bank account... So much for saving up when school starts. Oh the irony~
OH YES! I'm addicted to 'unthinkable' by Alicia Keys lately. Awesome song, listen to it with the mv(to stop any misunderstanding of the context of the song by the way). That and 'niji' by Aqua Timez. Reliving my childhood anime days(if secondary school counts lol). Well, that concludes my last two colorful weeks. Oh that and my recent obsession on my crazy chef character design, don't think i'll finish it in time for the NEXT competition. Till next time.
Ciao!
Sigh. At least one brother is getting his act together. Cant be more proud of him than right now. Its really beautiful to see a guy mature his thinking. I hope this pays off though. If this should not turn out fruitful, I fear he will give up completely. If willing him to pass existed I would do it everyday till his exams are over. Wonder how I can encourage him. Also, I fear my relaxing relationship with my other brother is making him sad. And it still stands, I adore my younger brother to the other. Bias, I know, but how can I help it? We're more like twins than anything. AND I prefer his temperament to the other dighead.
Lately though, little things irritate me and I get hyper. TOO MUCH SUGAR! I want ta work at unique oh the sadness. I guess I have absolutely no luck for jobs in Singapore, some fortune telling of my fate on this island. You know, this is the first time I really want to work so bad, and of course this has something (albeit maybe a little bit) to do with my recent splurging... like a few hundred behind in my bank account... So much for saving up when school starts. Oh the irony~
OH YES! I'm addicted to 'unthinkable' by Alicia Keys lately. Awesome song, listen to it with the mv(to stop any misunderstanding of the context of the song by the way). That and 'niji' by Aqua Timez. Reliving my childhood anime days(if secondary school counts lol). Well, that concludes my last two colorful weeks. Oh that and my recent obsession on my crazy chef character design, don't think i'll finish it in time for the NEXT competition. Till next time.
Ciao!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Had one of the worst dreams/nightmares in my life.
I dreamt my mother died.
It was horrible. And quiet. It was accepting and strangely peaceful. This was after my mum died? I think? My grandfather was there, albeit the one haven't met before on my mum's side. I think my aunt was there as well? We were in a mansion of sorts, lots of cream and white deco. Not unlike something coming out of a version of heaven or Olympus.
But if that is true than it means I died instead. Zzzzz, not a comforting thought.
All else I can remember is that I woke up crying. A lot. This feels just like the last time I dreamt I killed my brother zzz. Now that was the most horrible dream in my life. Fatigue is a really scary thing, perhaps I should turn in now. I hope good dreams await my entering the dream world. I won't comment on the recent polling events.
Ciao!
I dreamt my mother died.
It was horrible. And quiet. It was accepting and strangely peaceful. This was after my mum died? I think? My grandfather was there, albeit the one haven't met before on my mum's side. I think my aunt was there as well? We were in a mansion of sorts, lots of cream and white deco. Not unlike something coming out of a version of heaven or Olympus.
But if that is true than it means I died instead. Zzzzz, not a comforting thought.
All else I can remember is that I woke up crying. A lot. This feels just like the last time I dreamt I killed my brother zzz. Now that was the most horrible dream in my life. Fatigue is a really scary thing, perhaps I should turn in now. I hope good dreams await my entering the dream world. I won't comment on the recent polling events.
Ciao!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Already I can feel the stress of 2 modules, an upcoming audition, international competition, and a very late painting assignment. In addition to this sorry state of affairs, is my lax ability to handle my finance. The ratio of output to inout from the bank is startling. (in favor of output) I am struggling to restrain myself of excessive spending. I really do need to manage my time now and STOP BLOGGING. Then again, I have always been a creature of impulse and have never really fallen into step with uniformity, other than the uniformity of my own principles of course.
I drift in the tides of the society, always a part of it, and yet apart from it.
I drift in the tides of the society, always a part of it, and yet apart from it.
You Know...
I'm kinda sad. (Yes, I know. What an awful way of beginning a blog. You're probably reaching for the big red cross thinking " What the heeeeeeeeeell, as if i'm not bored with all the sad things in my life that I need to listen to more." Click*) And if you're still reading this to the end, wow. And you're thinking "I just got punked! Wasted 5 seconds of my life and counting."
Anyway, wanna know why i'm so sad? I'm sure after reading this whole paragraph you're expecting a really good explanation for all the long-windedness of this ridiculously long sentence that has yet to end. Laughlaughlaugh.
Its amazing how idiotic you can feel when you know this is not leading to anything productive, educational or minutely entertaining. Still reading? Smilez* You're addicted. And there is still the nagging feeling in the back of your head that says "you are wasting you're time", and yet at the same time you want to believe all your effort reading this nonsensical blog is actually worth it and not some probable prank of a bored person trying to test out a theory on the human psychology on the human-attention-span relationship to selective topics of interest. If you have read every single word to this one right here, then my hypothesis may prove to be true~ (not really sure what it is though, perhaps i'll find a way to express my theory in words and entertain everyone again.) Until next time~
Ciao!
Anyway, wanna know why i'm so sad? I'm sure after reading this whole paragraph you're expecting a really good explanation for all the long-windedness of this ridiculously long sentence that has yet to end. Laughlaughlaugh.
Its amazing how idiotic you can feel when you know this is not leading to anything productive, educational or minutely entertaining. Still reading? Smilez* You're addicted. And there is still the nagging feeling in the back of your head that says "you are wasting you're time", and yet at the same time you want to believe all your effort reading this nonsensical blog is actually worth it and not some probable prank of a bored person trying to test out a theory on the human psychology on the human-attention-span relationship to selective topics of interest. If you have read every single word to this one right here, then my hypothesis may prove to be true~ (not really sure what it is though, perhaps i'll find a way to express my theory in words and entertain everyone again.) Until next time~
Ciao!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
JAM.AND.HOP
All the sluttiness flowed like a river from everyone. Best j&h session ever. Witnessed the unleash of hard core clubber mangarox, a mark in history! Even though S.V couldn't make it... well I wished someone* could have made it oh welllllll~
Trepidation for tomorrow's audition~ I hope for the best!
I'm just too tired now, legs are aching like mad. Nappy-poo time.
Ciao!
Trepidation for tomorrow's audition~ I hope for the best!
I'm just too tired now, legs are aching like mad. Nappy-poo time.
Ciao!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
OH.GAWD.
Its time for the audition again. Its been so long since i've danced for real or at all that I cant help but feel.....THAT I WILL FAIL. NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!
Nihon-go classes has been very interesting so far and is less stressful compared to italiano. I love both though.
Thor is finally out! I wanna watch I wanna watch! The Crowbar competition is really stressing me up. I cant seem to find any product I want to advertise, let alone inspiration. I hope Lady Luck looks kindly down on me this time round as well~ Oh yes, the 2nd exercise for pixel collage...
Nihon-go classes has been very interesting so far and is less stressful compared to italiano. I love both though.
Thor is finally out! I wanna watch I wanna watch! The Crowbar competition is really stressing me up. I cant seem to find any product I want to advertise, let alone inspiration. I hope Lady Luck looks kindly down on me this time round as well~ Oh yes, the 2nd exercise for pixel collage...
Deviant art and stock images
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
I am tired.
I really am tired. Late nights, early classes, and art block are a designer's biggest nemesis. BANG!*
I don't want to complain like a brat but its just so easy to lose focus and degrade myself to a 5 year old child. At lest I don't stomp my feet and swing my arms around...mostly.
Sleepy sleepy~ hair's still wet.
Is it always greener on the other side...? I should really start saving money! YES! That will be my goal!!
Ciao!
I don't want to complain like a brat but its just so easy to lose focus and degrade myself to a 5 year old child. At lest I don't stomp my feet and swing my arms around...mostly.
Sleepy sleepy~ hair's still wet.
Is it always greener on the other side...? I should really start saving money! YES! That will be my goal!!
Ciao!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Gym
Went gyming with darlings today. Wow! we're so out of shape zzz. With a fondoo future date, yeah my life's brightening up from monotone boredom. Durian is giving me a bloody headache and I hear the Titans dvd playing~ ok i'll stop here for today!
Ciao!
Ciao!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Hanging Around.
Early wed morning spring cleaning and sweating like crazy in this insane weather. It rains later. Like a freaking river turned upside down... coooooooooool, I think i'll paint that now... later... whatever. Reading patricia Briggs's novel, hunting ground. Typical beginning so far but i'm expecting some good action in the upcoming chapters~
First time having friends over and I totally forget what to do zzz. I NEED A LIST. La la la... chest constrictions again sienna. Well at least my room is dust-free, somewhat, for the time being. I FOUND MY BANGLE!! YAY.
Its ironic how spring cleaning helps you find stuff you forgot you had. Ding dong!
THESE MOSQUITOES ARE BUGGING ME. *Mentally swats those pesky little blood#$^^#%$*
I am too tired to paint so i'll do it tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow...next year... USS anime manga library fines assignment itchy scalp timetable Wuthering Heights manga messy room manga chest constriction ...ugh, not comfortable. Oh, how my life is that of a simple-minded peasant focused on the little and insignificant trivals in life and not of world peace. Shame on thy self and thy self-pity.
Would the world really benefit from every individual devoting his or her life completely to that of global calm and sensitivity? All joy in expression and art would see a turn of the century back pedal and drills in place of classes in life lessons of peace and calm thoughts. Wars will be internal, and in the mind it shall rage, unseen, until tho shall cease to care. Freedom of thought but no freedom of choice.
A sad predicament all form of civilization and society is plagued with no matter how anyone tries to do otherwise. Peace requires control, which in turn restricts freedom, in every sense of the word. Boo hoo to monarchy and democracy. Both are the same and yet not the same. We believe everything the schools teach us. Do we truly question what we learn? Do we want to? Or do we just accept the sweet imperfect world described in books and not want to poke deeper at ugly scars.
And here I am babbling about philosophy closing in on my bed time. Maybe i should try typing mania now lol.
Ciao!
First time having friends over and I totally forget what to do zzz. I NEED A LIST. La la la... chest constrictions again sienna. Well at least my room is dust-free, somewhat, for the time being. I FOUND MY BANGLE!! YAY.
Its ironic how spring cleaning helps you find stuff you forgot you had. Ding dong!
THESE MOSQUITOES ARE BUGGING ME. *Mentally swats those pesky little blood#$^^#%$*
I am too tired to paint so i'll do it tomorrow...tomorrow...tomorrow...next year... USS anime manga library fines assignment itchy scalp timetable Wuthering Heights manga messy room manga chest constriction ...ugh, not comfortable. Oh, how my life is that of a simple-minded peasant focused on the little and insignificant trivals in life and not of world peace. Shame on thy self and thy self-pity.
Would the world really benefit from every individual devoting his or her life completely to that of global calm and sensitivity? All joy in expression and art would see a turn of the century back pedal and drills in place of classes in life lessons of peace and calm thoughts. Wars will be internal, and in the mind it shall rage, unseen, until tho shall cease to care. Freedom of thought but no freedom of choice.
A sad predicament all form of civilization and society is plagued with no matter how anyone tries to do otherwise. Peace requires control, which in turn restricts freedom, in every sense of the word. Boo hoo to monarchy and democracy. Both are the same and yet not the same. We believe everything the schools teach us. Do we truly question what we learn? Do we want to? Or do we just accept the sweet imperfect world described in books and not want to poke deeper at ugly scars.
And here I am babbling about philosophy closing in on my bed time. Maybe i should try typing mania now lol.
Ciao!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
8am on a Saturday morning.
weeeeeeeeeee~ so fun to wake up so early in the morning. Been a pig lately, eat sleep work/play eat sleep, play eat sleep etc. WHY DID I GIVE UP TPDE!!! whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...!
ah shit my bro's playing computer again, should i stop him? la la la la NAAAAAAH!! Cityhall mrt at 10am...should I head out now? a million questions running through my heeeeeaaaaaaad... sleepy eyed and runny nose...noses...STOP LEAKING!! I can make a song out of this now.
Ladies and gentlemen! and now for their first hit album, inspired by beachgirls5's 'scratch', comes the next dumb bimbo song '8am on a saturday morning, fcuk you donkey!' ENJOY!
wow just reread what I just wrote, I sound like a confused musician half drugged blogging in the morning. Tee Hee.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I have phobia of annual reports
I think my mind just automatically shuts down at the slightest hint of annual reports. Its frustrating and the words are god damn tiny in full screen mode....AHHHHHHHHH! no more dramas pending zzz. i need some semblance of a life. come to think of it, sports has really become a part of who I am. Its kind of fustrating that my current classmates are not the sporty kind at all compared to my sec school friends. Its not that I hate my lifestyle now, its just the urge to move and do something. Its really affecting my mental health, no output of sorts. I need dance. Any dance. Staring at the screen all day is messing with my eyesight and brain. I can feel it rotting up there~
The feeling to just flow without the beat... i cant stop wanting to pop to the beat of any song. I'm not a good dancer, I know that, its just 4 years of practice is hard to break after entering poly. Maybe i'll find something else to take some place in my head...like a special somebody? hahaz I wish! Hell of an experience the last time. I'm scared to go again sigh~
The feeling to just flow without the beat... i cant stop wanting to pop to the beat of any song. I'm not a good dancer, I know that, its just 4 years of practice is hard to break after entering poly. Maybe i'll find something else to take some place in my head...like a special somebody? hahaz I wish! Hell of an experience the last time. I'm scared to go again sigh~
Saturday, February 5, 2011
HTH with darling
Oh the joy of being able to walk without puking all over the place!
Anyway, wonderful day with darling surrounded by flowers at/near Sentosa and i really wanna nibble on tibias RIGHT NOW! Shouldn't. Ingested too much oil in new year food for a month so... CONTROL THAT APPETITE GIRL! Thats it drink that water~
Okay back on track deary~ HTH was dam funny and took so many pictures with "THE CHAIR". Model for the evening was great with little success but all in the name of fun is way more meaningful... oh the tears! Aha kidding. La la la pop pop pop... Pink rocks the music industry forever!! Fell in love all over again. Jessie J yawl, new artist emerging from the depths of YouTube, check her out. Love the new song Price Tag ft Bob (whoever that is). ARGHHHHHH marketing hw still pending and off I go!! Whooooosh!
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