The emo teenager Emerges Again

I am why I am. It is a constant struggle to remind myself of what is it that truly defines my being. Countless hours persuing what I love and when I return to earth it is not what everyone talks about. To try hard for others is what some may consider strength. But strength requires energy, and energy comes from drive, and drive from purpose. I have lost that purpose. A flicker of it appears once in a while in the shower or just before sleep, but there is no constant purpose in my life. Humans with no purpose cannot survive in this man made world. They shrivel and die and return to the earth. I fear to end this way and must hence forth find meaning again in my life's struggles. I seek a higher purpose, a will to live. I seek just happiness in this black hole. May I find it soon before my fire is completely gone. Dayum this post is depressing~

My weird priorities in life

Not long ago, I had a nightmare. It was cold sweat, heart hammering, ball-shrinking (not that I have any) nightmare. Well, as many are aware of my natural born talent for forgetting things, it is also known I unconsciously make double plans by mistake. This nightmare was not about screwing up two plans but literally plans with all my beloved friends. As you can imagine it was horrifying. Toughts like, "I'll be a lonely bastard for eternity", "I'm so screwed" passed through my brain till I woke up from all that damnable adrenaline. So no, it was not a big scary monster under my bed, though I admit that was one of the more popular childhood villains that haunted my every just-before-sleeping times. How's that, maybe I am maturing more now. From a child with an over imaginative mind to a somewhat bimbo with an over imaginative mind. Whoopee~

What I thought and believed then, is not what I think and believe now. No one thought, no matter how turbulent an emotion can ever stay on the same level of saturation for all of eternity. At least, that is what I have come to understand during these almost-two decades of my life so far. The tides are ever changing but remains constant in cycle.

yummy yummy rub my tummy

I really want to bake this cake!! All that lemon sounds so yummy in my boring public speaking class and haven't eaten anything for over 12 hours sigh~

I can feel myself changing...

It has been years since I have been insulted whether a small one or a big one. And it is ironic how the mot painful ones come from people I care about the most. In the past I would have just taken it, kept in inside like a poison, and let it out explosively once in a while when everything got too heavy to bear. But now, I don't even try to care, feelings I do not like I just ignore. There is no acknowledgement and therefore no apology. Which is a better reaction...? Or are both a sign of immaturity and that I have yet to find a perfect way of expressing my feelings.

People say to let out these emotions with an outlet of some kind that they feel comfortable in. For me that is dance. In these few weeks when I took it up again, my soul has never felt so light in years. To some of my friends it may seem as if I am just willful, trying to distract myself from my studies and taking a too long break from design. But I took a great deal of courage for me to even step back inside a dance studio. Fear of not being good enough to dance with others, or that my outfit was not 'dance' enough were my greatest obstacles I had to overcome slowly. But overcome them I have. And I do not take pleasure in comments from other people who do not understand how this had been a personal big step on my part. Of course I would feel indignant when you question my attempt at trying to right my confused emotional state. No pointing of fingers because this is as much an personal problem as it is an external one. It is said the quietest people are those who perceive the most ~ How painfully true.

Other than that, this Saturday was amazing! OneOkRock's concert was just mind blowing!! All of the members where so energetic and gave their all for the concert it was so touching ^^ The best part was when they played my favourite song from their very first album!! That made me sooooooo happy I can't even~!! Nothing beats a real live performance... ... Except when there is a 6 foot tall guy blocking your view zzz. Ah well, it was amazing nonetheless. Surprise surprise i didn't have any muscle ache form all the jumping and waving of the arms haha. No sore throat either~ Can't wait for them to perform again in Singapore^^

Sigh~ I really have to stop peeling my nail polish off my nails, its pulling thin pieces of the nail itself off

I should probably concentrate on my work now, Ciao!