i've been feeling frustrated after the chalet and now I think I know why. The old me and the new me is fighting each other is fighting each other in my head. This spells disaster because I know what a crazy world my internal mentality is. Mum would say its either my period is coming or i'm drinking too much soda. I'm betting its not the latter. Pa won't even bother to understand how I feel and just conclude its all part of growing up. ( not that its wrong, but just irritating) Anyway, the problem is simple. There has been one other case of this before and its ironic how I swore on that day it would never happen again. Fuck the irony, i'm only human. Ok I need to stop swearing so much, darlings have been telling me this recently hahaz.
I think iv become needy for attention ever since onglais kind of merged with them. I have never been needy, my family's strenuous relationship has trained me since I was born to not count on other people. But the thing is, nothing really has changed from before, not in the case of me anyway. I'm still the drifter, intent on being independent. Hmmm maybe I want to be more easily talkative like the others? But this I know I am not so there's no solving this. Well at least I still have S.V, no matter how long we never see each other theres never the uncomfortable feeling i'm feeling right now. But I know eventually I will have to stop falling back to S.V to ease my need for attention and acceptance. Well not really acceptance, because S.V is just comfortable with each other no matter what we do hahaz same brain frequency.
Again, this only happened once before in Sec 3 or 4 when zhu zhu got a boyfriend and ignored me for a year or so. But I got over that eventually when I just didn't give a fuck anymore. Am I sounding emo? Of course I am. I really think working out helps me vent everyday frustrations so I'm looking forward to my badminton session with S.V ^^ Oh yes, back to the topic~ On the train ride back, the problem was nagging in my brain for a long time. And then I remembered. The solution I thought of and went through with the first time it happened. Its was simple. Just keep your distance. I guess this friendship has reached the point of question of comfortabilityVSneccessity. I'm so grateful I found S.V and Onglais (thx MY for bothering to ask about me when nobody else gave a shit). Yes I think I shall stick to this solution till it blows over or till I find a better one. And yes I can never have a relationship with a designer, it just signals disaster. Wtf was I even thinking, design school is just wack, only strong minded people can survive in it.
Oh I just remembered. Not sure where I heard this from but someone said people who withdraw from others are not stronger or some shit like that. I don't know... Should I go forward or stay as I am. Would it be counted as running away or growing stronger...... Is materialism really bad or is it good enough as something to distract you from your troubles... Perhaps I think too much but would it be better to think less. On and on these questions arise in my head, probably a good sign of my brain working a bit after being drained of mental activity after delving into design. Only two weeks is left of the little reprieve from the endless submissions one after another. I should really focus on my portfolio and and regain my physical stamina instead of wasting precious time on nonsensical things like this latest frustration. Relationships with people never failed to drive me over the edge sometimes. This is life. Hollywood is a sham and for children still living in their little bubble of happiness. I think I know how the author who wrote peter pan felt when he wrote the story, even though it is a quite different from what happened to his brother.
Well I feel quite better after getting all that out. Sorry for this sad and annoying post hahaz.
ps: kimchi with maggi mee is disgusting
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