This pain that is in me. It consumes me, is me, and I hate it. To be the most loved child is a blessing and a curse. I know it sounds bratty but I can't help feeling sad whenever mum or my brothers make a passing remark about how my dad always buys me whatever I want with no questions while they get a lesser treatment of sorts. Its a passing remark but it hurts. Things hurt more when it's coming from people you love. I doubt there is such a thing as unconditional love. Close, but not in its entirety.
But because of this treatment of sorts. I want to make myself worthy of this special treatment they always consciously accuse me of. But I love them still. I find no desire to seek acknowledgement from anyone, not even my family, however I want to become someone whom I can love. Don't get me wrong, I love myself right now, but its nice when other people like you too. Its too lonely for me to be contented by myself. Universal truth; isolated people go nuts. Not saying you need to be surrounded by lots of people, but just enough so you don't go crazy.
Its easy to go nuts; its hard to stay sane.
All those little reasons here and there that tie you up, make you see only a straight path. The easiest most effective route through life. There is no adventure left. The mind is dulled. And children grow up clones of the 'perfect system'. How we survive in this new world is going against how we were meant to live. Sooner or later our intelligence will be our downfall. I just hope my generation is not the one that sees it come to pass. Then again nothing that truly means anything happens when or how its expected to. Like a ballerina dancing in circles. Nothing changes till she steps out of the routine, or the floor cracks and takes her to another world, another floor. Que sera sera, what will be will be.
Ah~ my mind wonders to different landscapes and I guess i'll try to put it on paper. I've been a little stiff in drawing lately. But watching dance videos again has kind of inspired me a little. The future holds so much potential. Marching ahead I guess. Marching and staying sane.
