After a long time in hibernation... Jenrazer is back yo~
Apparantly post graduate poly students have a tendency to go a little crazy either stuck in limbo or stuck in boredom waiting for something amazing to to distract them till they pursue Uni or whatever it is they have planned.
And also this is seems to be the season of raging hormones.
In all seriousness.
And I can kind of understand that insecurity that comes with being single for close to 2 decades. I mean come on. How can you blame yourself for the longing for something that hasn't happened yet when your whole life didn't have that experience, or a miserable version of it. True love sounds cheesy but thats the dream. Thanks america, that helped. BURN. I thank my lucky stars I was born asian. The time of asians has finally come again. And with that comes the morals that govern said racial preference. Filial piety, though it may be a hindrance, has sculptured me to be what I am, and not to brag, but I love myself. It kinda helped me from making the worse love decisions in my life. I haven't accomplished any amazing feat or earned lots of money (yet), but I think i've achieved contentment at the very least.
Only lucky people get the luxury of being lazy and think about their troubles tomorrow, after a good night's sleep.
Ah...~ the complexities of youth~
Well a number of things have happened since the holidays started and can't say my life has been a dandy float down the lazy river. More like adrenaline pumping and FUCK NO kind of moments, plastered all over the last month. I'm so thankful for having S.V and Triplets and swimming to make it simpler to get through it all. I really appreciate my friends, even though I may seem like the spaced-out person at the side of the room. The few that have stayed in my life I am grateful for 'cause I know how easy it is to loose it all as it fades away. But you have to change to move forward. I prefer to do that with all the people I love.
Its getting sappy I know~
Ah...~ the complexities of an emerging adult~
So many things I wanna say but it jumbles up in my head and my heart. The last 3 years seem like a dream. A bad and good dream all mixed into one. I have never used the phrase 'you are dead to me' and really mean it before, and now I have. and I meant it. FOREVER. I remember facts. FOREVER. Maybe that will change in the far. far. future. I won't judge, cause I know some people are the way they are just because. I'll just stay far far away thanks. BUT NEVER FUCK WITH ME AGAIN.
Sorry~ borderline psychosis that comes with unpleasant experiences~
Gonna be 3 months long worth of a post.
Oh yes, some dilemmas these past month. I have been wondering if what i'm studying is really what I want to do for the rest of my life. I like drawing. I get inspired by art videos and looking up design works. But I haven't had that 'eureka' feeling in a very long time. But then again I can;t see my life where art is not a part of. I read online where someone said "if you feel like you are forcing yourself to do homework, I don't think you were meant to do this for life" not actual words but damn if it rings true. My heart just isn't in it. I kind of know in my heart that art/design, is my path. But the specific thing i'm meant to do, I can't see it yet. I hope it isn't one of those, take your whole life to figure it out kind of situations, cause that would suck. But maybe thats my path. And I can't afford that path. Parents getting old, siblings not anywhere either. Its kind of unofficial, but i'm gonna have to look after my parents. I want to, but its a burden nonetheless. But I don't want to make them feel like its a burden to me either. My family is so fragile. Its making me think again about living so far from them all when I attend uni. So many scenarios that could happen. But M said it may be a good thing that i'll be away from them all for a while. Those ropes that bind, gotta find a way to make them elastic. Then theres the fear that they will break. If my most important person breaks because I left, it would most definitely break me too. This here. This is my biggest chain. One I can't live without.
You love em and I hate em.
And this whole conversation with M has gotten me thinking more about the get away part. So many trips AWAY in the process. I'd be genuinely disappointed if it were one of those trips that never happens. Then again I have to move my ass and start taking initiative with the planning and stuff and so I will. I want to start uni with a fresh new perspective and take hold of my future.
One more complaint. I don't know what it is with my extended family on the side that dislike, but they are making a fucking big deal about my getting accepted into uni. Like a really big hoo haa of showing off offsprings' accomplishments. I dislike being treated like a trophy and even more so by a family member whom I shall not name. Lots of realisations about my family these days, or this whole year so far. I know my expectations of people are high and so I get disappointed a lot. But the level of expectations still remain high, higher even as time goes by. People are only worth your time if they matter to you right?
And theres clubbing. Went out on a much needed distraction from family problems one night, with LY and S. It was so much fun at this club called dream. Awesome thing that happened when we queued up but got in for free to the vibe party. Great music, free booze, busting out the moves on the dance floor. It was great to be doing something wild again from the distasteful and mundane. And that would be the last time I ever. EVER. wear heels to club ever again. Good thing I have long enough legs~ Clubbing isn't bothering me yet so I guess i'm still young eh~ that or immature? Who knows~
Well here it shall end. Till the next instalment! Only from Jenrazer~
Big shout out to the great and awesome people in my life, and those I have yet to meet
