Monday, July 18, 2011
Gosh i'm so unmotivated, yet motivated ... zzz... what should i do...? I cant kick this depression lately and movies aren't doing the trick either. Worrying too much about everything. I need to focus on one thing at a time i guess. This elevating stress is annoying. Thinking Storytelling was gonna be easy was way insane (slap to my brain)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
WAN WAN WAN WAN
I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP.
After starting prepress and going to Antalis I know what it is I want to become, I feel it in my bones. Okay maybe not in my bones but in my heart. Anyway now I know the name of the job I want to strive for. I wanna be a printer!! And no, not a machine, but a full fledged err... yea, you get the idea.
Just a short blog spewing my happiness so
Ciao!
After starting prepress and going to Antalis I know what it is I want to become, I feel it in my bones. Okay maybe not in my bones but in my heart. Anyway now I know the name of the job I want to strive for. I wanna be a printer!! And no, not a machine, but a full fledged err... yea, you get the idea.
Just a short blog spewing my happiness so
Ciao!
Monday, July 11, 2011
what am I
What am I. Who am I really. What I want to be and who I really am scares me.
She says I am strong but brutal. Strong huh. Some say I am absent minded but is it just a subconscious excuse to run away from responsibility. The inner coward I am? I want to be strong but somehow I think I have been nursing a misguided concept of the word all my life. I cannot show my weakness, I cannot cry in front of others. It is taboo in my life. I just cannot. I am afraid of showing people the ugly and weak person I truly am, hidden under all this feminist facade... Somehow, I think people dislike me for this independence.
But people have secrets they want nobody to know. Secrets that nobody needs to know. Was my choice of coming to poly really just to follow my dreams or to run away from the pressure at home. In my heart I know, the burden of my aging parents will be on me alone. A good paying job and social stature was all that was one my mind for about a half decade. I fear this has poisoned my soul and done irrevocable damage to my empty morals. I want to run away. Even though I know I will not abandon my loved ones for the sake of duty, I want to run away. Is this growing up? Is this maturity? Is looking out the window at the ground a normal thing or is it a sign of unhappiness.
I know myself. I hate to lose. I don't want to lose this game of life and death, I have the will to keep walking this dark and painful road. Death does not scare me, what truly scares me is not knowing what I will become. After watching Hannibal rising it hits a nerve. The movie awakens a knowledge of what may come to be. A decision of my life. Two paths pointing different directions yet parallel to what is to become. I am frightened of this choice. I know I will chose, but chose the right path I am unsure. Will I even know which is the right path. I don't want to lose anyone.
Everyday I live in fear. When is the day. Even though I know when it is. I know when I will make the choice which I will live out the rest of my life in. Will this be the last? Everything seems like a fairytale waiting to burst and show how cruel, how ugly the world truly is. More and more signs pass like the slightest of breezes and yet at the same time it is in your face. It whispers what is to come and erodes your soul little by little like rain on my walls. I am afraid. I wish every year on that special day, after my world started to crumble, for the inevitable not to happen. I wish it fervently so. God help me I don't want that day to come ever. I hate living my life in fear. Someone help me. I need a pillar of strength in my life. Someone understand me please. Someone help me. The one person I cannot live without will leave me someday and I cannot bear it. I know my soul will tear. Who will that someone be that will help my weak self.
All i can do now is wait and live my life as happily as possible with no regrets. I will not regret my decision. This I know in my heart as true as it is beating. And yeah I know I sound just like one of those uber depressed people but its a phase people a phase. I'll get over it as I always do so don't worry ho ho ho. Scared yawl there huh hahaz.
Recently I have found to be in a better mood after I eat fruits. Maybe its just me but persimmons really perk my mood up. try it^^ Alright better start on my homework~
Ciao~
She says I am strong but brutal. Strong huh. Some say I am absent minded but is it just a subconscious excuse to run away from responsibility. The inner coward I am? I want to be strong but somehow I think I have been nursing a misguided concept of the word all my life. I cannot show my weakness, I cannot cry in front of others. It is taboo in my life. I just cannot. I am afraid of showing people the ugly and weak person I truly am, hidden under all this feminist facade... Somehow, I think people dislike me for this independence.
But people have secrets they want nobody to know. Secrets that nobody needs to know. Was my choice of coming to poly really just to follow my dreams or to run away from the pressure at home. In my heart I know, the burden of my aging parents will be on me alone. A good paying job and social stature was all that was one my mind for about a half decade. I fear this has poisoned my soul and done irrevocable damage to my empty morals. I want to run away. Even though I know I will not abandon my loved ones for the sake of duty, I want to run away. Is this growing up? Is this maturity? Is looking out the window at the ground a normal thing or is it a sign of unhappiness.
I know myself. I hate to lose. I don't want to lose this game of life and death, I have the will to keep walking this dark and painful road. Death does not scare me, what truly scares me is not knowing what I will become. After watching Hannibal rising it hits a nerve. The movie awakens a knowledge of what may come to be. A decision of my life. Two paths pointing different directions yet parallel to what is to become. I am frightened of this choice. I know I will chose, but chose the right path I am unsure. Will I even know which is the right path. I don't want to lose anyone.
Everyday I live in fear. When is the day. Even though I know when it is. I know when I will make the choice which I will live out the rest of my life in. Will this be the last? Everything seems like a fairytale waiting to burst and show how cruel, how ugly the world truly is. More and more signs pass like the slightest of breezes and yet at the same time it is in your face. It whispers what is to come and erodes your soul little by little like rain on my walls. I am afraid. I wish every year on that special day, after my world started to crumble, for the inevitable not to happen. I wish it fervently so. God help me I don't want that day to come ever. I hate living my life in fear. Someone help me. I need a pillar of strength in my life. Someone understand me please. Someone help me. The one person I cannot live without will leave me someday and I cannot bear it. I know my soul will tear. Who will that someone be that will help my weak self.
All i can do now is wait and live my life as happily as possible with no regrets. I will not regret my decision. This I know in my heart as true as it is beating. And yeah I know I sound just like one of those uber depressed people but its a phase people a phase. I'll get over it as I always do so don't worry ho ho ho. Scared yawl there huh hahaz.
Recently I have found to be in a better mood after I eat fruits. Maybe its just me but persimmons really perk my mood up. try it^^ Alright better start on my homework~
Ciao~
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